Accepting Your Initial Responses to Your Baby

Like her labor, a woman's initial response to her baby is something she remembers for a lifetime. Women greet their babies in as many ways as there are mothers. Before they give birth, most women anticipate a rush of loving feelings, or even tears of joy. others anticipate instantly "feeling like a mother." Some women actually experience these things. Many do not.

Sometimes, a woman experiences a temporary holding back from the baby whose birth caused pain or emotional trauma. A new mother may have a feeling of distance-which in retrospect may seem like disinterest. Or she may feel a strong need to attend to herself, pain and exhaustion compete with interest in the baby. in retrospect, she may see herself as selfish. Coolness, distance, self-centeredness-none of these fit with any woman's conception of a "good mother." Because of this, many women say they feel guilty about their initial responses to their babies.

Many women speak of feeling outside of themselves after labor. It is as though one's personal boundaries are hazy. Is it any wonder that women feel they are not taking their babies in-"as they should?" They can hardly take themselves in! This is to be expected. Most women say it takes days to come back into themselves. This is the natural rhythm of things. Something amazing is going on. As boundaries are reclarified, they are also redefined. You are now a mother. Your baby is no longer one with you, as in pregnancy. But the new boundaries are extended, to connect you for a lifetime to this other person. This connection is the essential work of the first months of parenting. You may have all the loving feelings you anticipated, but if you do not, give them time to evolve, as you do the work of taking on your new role.

Postpartum Fathers

Feelings after Birth. Fathers who are present at birth are, more often than mothers, captured by the baby immediately. Whereas women may need minutes, hours, or a few days to feel connected to the baby, fathers often feel the power of this connection at the moment of birth. Unless the mother or baby is in some danger just after birth, the father is likely to find these moments life-changing and exquisite. These feelings are often blended with a sudden awareness of exhaustion.

A father also experiences new feelings about his mate. He may speak of his amazement at her courage, strength, and endurance during labor. He now faces the task of integrating his memory of her in labor with his previous knowledge and feelings about her.

A father may have to work through feelings he experienced while supporting the mother in labor. One of the most common feelings fathers speak about after labor is that of helplessness. Unless he is told, a man may not know how much his presence and emotional support really meant to the laboring woman.

A man may also feel that the labor experience has altered his whole life view. He may have gained a sense of the miraculous and spiritual, of a deeper meaning to life.

Not all fathers, of course, are able to share the birth experience. A lot of fathers who missed their babies' births worry that not having been there will affect their relationships with their babies. Birth is a special moment in the parent-child relationship, but it is only one moment. The years of child rearing provide many other shared moments that are just as important in the development of a relationship between father and child.

Signs of Illness in a Newborn

Many parents doubt whether they will recognize if the baby is sick. When you have no experience with babies, being told that a sick baby behaves differently from a well baby is of little comfort. if everything about your baby seems unfamiliar, it is hard to have confidence that you can and will recognize changes that indicate your baby is ill. Besides, healthy babies can cry for a couple of hours each day. Crying does not tell you as much in the first weeks as it will when your baby is older. So how will you know if your baby is sick? Asking yourself these questions may help:

• Is there a change in the baby's behavior? Is the baby crying more than usual? Has the tone of the cry changed? Is the crying at a different time of day than usual? Is the baby more irritable than usual? Is the baby sleeping more or less than usual? Does the baby seem lethargic or listless?
• Has the baby's appetite or digestion changed? Is the baby eating less than usual? Has the baby vomited more than once? If the baby is vomiting, is the vomiting forceful? (This is called projectile vomiting.) Are there signs of constipation? That is, are the stools hard or more solid than usual? Are there signs of diarrhea? That is, are the stools watery, or more runny than usual? Are they more frequent than usual? Is the baby urinating less frequently than usual? Has the color of the urine changed?
• Has there been a change in the baby's breathing? Does the baby seem to have trouble breathing? Does the baby sound congested? Does the baby have a runny or stuffy nose? Is the baby coughing?
• How does the baby look? Is the baby's skin pale or flushed? Is there a rash anywhere on the baby's body? Do the baby's eyes look glassy or dull? Is there any discharge from the eyes?
• Does the baby have a fever?

Any of these changes could indicate illness. if you notice any of them, or other worrisome changes in Your baby, call your baby's care- giver. When you call the office, be prepared to describe:

• The signs of illness about which you are concerned.
• How long the signs have been present.
• What you need: to have the caregiver return your call; to speak to the caregiver immediately, if you feel this is an emergency; or to arrange for the baby to be seen as soon as possible.